*Two old gentlemen in suits sit in a board room, they’re studio executives, and they’re discussing plans for a sequel to TAKEN, Which just made a lot of money*
Studio Exec 1: “Wow, so that movie made money, huh?”
Studio Exec 2: “It really did, sequel?”
SE1: “Why not. So, something else needs to be taken, how about his dog?”
SE2: “No, no, We pissed off too many Greenies with THE GREY, how about, wait for it… his WHOLE FAMILY”
SE1: “Genius, and we can make this edgy, but not too edgy, and who could take them?”
SE2: “The Russians?”
SE1: “Perfect, since he killed all of their youth in the first film. And we can have accents, but not too many accents.”
SE2: “Amazing! and this time, he should say Taken at least 8 or 9 times.”
SE1: “I was going to suggest 10. we’ll have a trailer out by tomorrow.”
SE2: “Brilliant, should we call the writer?”
SE1: “What writer? We just wrote the damn thing, audiences won’t notice as long as there’s a 2 in the title”
SE2: “Oh you’re so right, they’ll never suspect a thing! God, we’re brilliant”
WRONG, SO INCREDIBLY WRONG, HOLLYWOOD!
Taken 2 stars Liam Neeson as Bryan Mills, an ex CIA agent who’s retired after killing just about half the European population from the first film but alas! He just so happened to forget that there’s still a few more lurking in and around Russia and any other place where all the old men look crazy and bug eyed and always carry a weapon bigger than their jeans. These few remaining foreigners decide to kidnap (wait, sorry “TAKE”) Bryan and his entire family consisting of his ex wife, Lenore (Famke Janssen) who has feelings for him once again since he knows how to shoot a man without looking and his 17 year old daughter,(played by the 29 year old Maggie Grace) who has recently got a boyfriend and Bryan wants to eat him. Well, ok, not really, but he does hope he as an accent so he can kill him and call it self defense. Once they’re taken, it’s up to Bryan to escape and save his ex wife whilst shooting just about everyone who needs a VISA and likes potatoes, whether they’re walking past or shooting at him, it. doesn’t. matter.
The reason a conventional plot synopsis wasn’t provided in this review for Taken 2 is because no effort has been made into telling any sort of story. Taken 2 was not made, not written, it was manufactured by Hollywood so it can make MONEY. If you look on IMDB it says the film was directed by “Olivier Megaton” and written by “Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen“… this is very incorrect, what it should read is “Written and directed by MONEY, produced by gullible film audiences.” Hollywood has made useless sequels to fun and successful popcorn flicks before, and they’ve worked, but the trick is, if you’re gonna steal from audiences, you might as well pretend to buy them dinner first. Taken 2, in all its unoriginal, unholy wisdom, goes straight for the fondling, and it’s not even remotely exciting.
As for any comparisons to the first film, I was a fan (a 7/10 type fan, as I dug its cheesiness but sincerity), well, folks, there is no similarities to be found. Taken 2 has an M rating accompanying it, yet it could pass with a G, there is no blood, no brutality, no sincerity and worst of all, no real violence or action. They even took that out so kids could spend their chore money as well. Clever, Hollywood, but your movie still sucks.
Also, if you’re wondering why there aren’t many images throughout the review, I’ve decided to save them all for the end of this write up. you’ll see.
I wanted to have fun seeing Liam Neeson (a great actor who’s spending his time these days making money from bad movies with the exception of The Grey) beat the living bejesus out of Russian henchmen for 90 minutes, and you don’t even get that. I was as disappointed as you’ll be if you pay to see this film. It’s not fun, it’s not intriguing, it’s not even creative, it is fucking boring.
I wanted to have as much fun as you think you will if you spend your Friday night seeing this film, but please, don’t. Much like those two fellas whose conversation you read at the beginning of this review, it doesn’t care about pleasing you, it only wants to take your money and fondle your time.
Taken 2… out of fucking 10.
Side Note: Just so we’re not stuck with such a boring damn film the next time Hollywood wants a sequel for Taken 3, I’ve got a suggestion for that said sequel, and I think they might like it:
Trailer voice guy: Bryan’s daughter has just lost her virginity, this summer, he’s going to TAKE her virginity…AND PUT IT BACK IN, Liam Neeson is…TAKEN 3″
Also, here’s the only images I could find of the film, notice anything similar with them all?
(Could be a poster for Taken 3 where he’s told you can’t find a tracking signal for someone’s virginity)